Day 25 - The Void

Once we decided to come here from our old life in Glasgow we faced a decision regarding the possessions which filled our flat: whether to sell or whether to store.

We chose to sell and thus spent three weeks on eBay and Gumtree trying to get rid of our stuff. We whooped when the piano went for more than expected and we grumbled when the misers of the Milngavie car-boot sale sloped off with our best books for just fifty pence each.

As yet, we do not miss our objects, articles and things. The flat here in Kalymnos is not massive but it’s spacious enough, as it’s not full of stuff. After all, a human can only read one book at a time so perhaps the game is to read and dump rather than amassing. Chuck it in the gutter to avoid utter clutter!

So now the walls are white and there are precious few objects on the scene, the flat feels like a gallery. Nice – but complete minimalism does have its drawbacks. One item we could do with is an extension cord.

For now, our micro-short kettle lead and the gap between socket and worktop mean that the only way to get a cuppa is via the pictured arrangement of chair and paint pot. In fact, let’s keep up the chic mystique and call it an installation!

Day 24 - We Kill Them One by One

Not content with nearly killing us on our Sunday drive, Michael goes further and actually shoots Paul. A plastic pellet aimed from his pistol at an intruder cat ricochets and hits Paul on the middle finger. Ouch, it stings.

“Dad! That hit Paul” says Nicole. “Yes…” replies Michael, “…it bounced up!” in a matter-of-fact explanation rather than an apology. We behave more like parents ourselves as we mutter darkly about the possibility that someone could have lost an eye.

Lunch today is snails. It’s Michael’s project: all last night the still-alive snails slimed around in a huge pot on the stove. “They must be boiled alive to taste best” says Michael with a grin, “we kill them: one by one”.

Together we draw the line and talk ourselves out of sharing the snails. We reason that they crawl on the ground, and are slimy, and must have intestinal tracts full of bad things, and are slimy and our main objection is that they are slimy. We stick to fish and bread.

Day 23 - Donkey Newsflash!

There is a donkey crisis in Greece. It’s all over the pages of the Athens News. Never mind the carbon emissions, the mass ownership of cars is putting donkeys across Greece out of work, numbers are declining, and within 20 years they may vanish completely from Greek Soil.

While Geneva is busy dealing with the crisis in the Middle East, the Greek island, Hydra, is hosting a Donkey Convention in an attempt to try and deal with this imminent threat of extinction.

Not since the Italian invasion in 1940, has there been such concern about the threat to Greek "cultural heritage". Apparently, the vanishing of this population threatens the Hellenic identity and legacy to be passed to the next generation.

Judging from the trend-following adolescents around here, it would appear that this next generation would rather speed away from the reading of their father’s will in the old man’s Peugeot, rather than straddling the family donkey.

Although, in the entrepreneurial hands of Stelios, this unwanted legacy would probably result in the instant Europe-wide hit: EasyAss.com

We turn the page to read that Greece has been convicted by the European Court for breaking environmental law. Twenty-three towns have been cited as having sub-standard sewage networks and treatment plants. Kalymnos is on the list of offending areas.

Great, our dream holiday destination: sun, sea, shite, and the odd ass.

Day 22 - Fear of The Dark

For some reason, Michael seems to believe that Kalymnos is best shown off in the dark.

Not for the first time, we wait until visibility is at a minimum before risking our necks for a sightseeing Sunday drive along the murderous Kalymnian roads.

If anyone tells you the Greeks drive on the right, they lie. The norm here is to drive smack in the centre of the road, straddling the white line until oncoming vehicles force you to move over. Even then – the right hand side is only customary, never compulsory.

We are almost used to overtaking on corners (usually on a hill), I guess doing it in the pitch black just adds spice. It certainly focuses the mind when it’s too dark for the scenery to take your mind off things.

The West coast of Kalymnos has a lot to offer. Telendos is a beautiful island and Kantouni has a nice beach. But you know what? In the dark, we might as well as be looking at the Clyde at Greenock. During this and three previous visits to the island, Paul has “seen” these wonders perhaps fifty times, but only once in daylight.

Why?

Well, here’s a clue. Today there was a great big parade to celebrate the anniversary of the start of World War 2 (which, for Greeks, began in 1940). Of course, we missed it all because it took place in the morning and no one who lives on this property ever rises before he or she really needs to…

Day 21 - Frightening Explosions on Mountainside

Back in Glasgow, with Guy Fawkes approaching, the odd bored ned is no doubt lobbing a few bangers up your alley. Here, the kids are really bored and do it with proper, actual, real dynamite.

Blowing this stuff is so dangerous that the kids who do it have to go out of town; up the hill above Profitis Church, otherwise someone will die.

Despite such rigorous health and safety, six people did actually die about 20 years ago when a kid tried to light a stick of dynamite, decided it was a dud, and then returned it to the sack of other dynamite sticks whereupon the whole lot went off and blew a hole in the side of the mountain. Six died up there on the hillside. A small church was raised on the mountain top in honour of their memory.

Short memories! The kids are doing it this afternoon, right next to this erected church. The flashes are bright and the booms immense. Paul nearly falls off his chair at the first one. The windows shake, cats scatter and Michael curses. It goes on all afternoon but you don’t get used to it.

Day 20 - Have you heard the latest?

Today, we go for our weekly drive to collect drinking water from the island’s community water-well. We can no longer quench out thirst by pouring a glass of water from the kitchen tap - you can almost walk on the island’s tap water due to its high salt content. Instead, we lug enough empty bottles to collect 45 litres of drinking water for the week.

These visits are a great way to catch up on the gossip, as the locals huddle around the well’s four taps framed in white marble. The power of the local grapevine outranks the power of the BBC in its ability to spread news. If you hung a new item of clothing on your washing line that morning, it would be known across the island by 6pm. If you received a parcel at the post office, it would be known across the island by 3pm. And if you agreed to go on a date with a new admirer, it would be known across the island before you even hung the phone up.

This is not the place to live if you value any form of personal privacy. Nicole’s sister once proclaimed that she had to stop living here because she was sick of her neighbours knowing the precise time of day she burped or farted.

Welcome to Kalymnos, where There’s No Business Like Your Business!

Day 19 - Parallel Universes

Okay – while we’re here in Kalymnos, we are trying to continue what we were doing in Glasgow which is trying to come up with fantastic business ideas – so we’re still working.

With the decoration of the flat still unfinished, we decide to move the office up to the top of the small mountain overlooking the flat. This means that, just as in Glasgow, we have a twenty minute walk to work. Let’s compare and contrast:

THE ROUTE
Glasgow: Our flat in the Garnethill area of the city centre is a 20 minute walk through busy streets to our office off George Square, which is also in the city centre.
Kalymnos: Our flat in the Christoy area of the city centre is a 20 minute walk: 10 minutes through the streets of Pothia until the tar-sealed road turns into a dirt track, the city abruptly ends, and a further ten minutes up a zigzag path takes us to a flat bit of mountainside above Profitis Church.

STREET LIFE
Glasgow: After dodging schoolies and art students in Garnethill, we are entertained by rock buskers and dodge the clipboard-toting trustafarians working for charity. We also need to negotiate our fair share of junkies, cops, and women with umbrellas and Primark bags.
Kalymnos: Sporadic elderly men in cardigans bask on chairs outside their front doors, motionless except for puffing on a fag. Older women wear black smocks to hang washing while younger housewives in pink velour leisure suits scrub the section of street outside their front doors. Further up the hill, there is a goat.

SHOPPING OPPORTUNITIES
Glasgow: Sainsbury, Costa Coffee, Primark, Marks & Spencer, HMV, McDonalds, Orange, Poundland, Sainsbury again…
Kalymnos: Yianni’s Souvlaki place, a sponge workshop with no name, a bakers, some clothes with price tags hanging over the railings of someone’s house (I guess you have to knock), a hairdresser which we know belongs to the sister of the husband of Nicole’s sister. A food shop measuring approx 12’ x 12’ with a sign saying “supermarket” and a guy in a pick-up truck chanting his wares through a megaphone: lettuce, spinach, onions, tomatoes, cucumbers…

TRAFFIC
Glasgow: We hold our noses to cross Hope St and Renfield St, two of Europe’s most polluted streets.
Kalymnos: On the busier streets the regular danger comes from testosterone-saturated youths tearing up three-foot wide lanes on 500cc motorbikes. But once you reach the house with the rusted old chicken coop full of broken old hens and a shabby rooster, there is no more traffic. The road stops. We are in the countryside.

KEYS
Glasgow: Flat front door (2 each) Stair doors (2 each), car, bike, outer office doors (1 each) inner office doors (1 each) actual office room (1 each), mailbox, cupboard, and filing cabinets (4) – TOTAL 20 keys between us.
Kalymnos: We have one key for the flat between us and we generally leave it in the unlocked front door.

THE OFFICE
Glasgow: Our office was 300 square feet and overlooked a Japanese-style Zen Garden. Nice enough but you could only see this from one of the workstations - which Nicole naturally nabbed - and the intended tranquillity of the garden was rather ruined by the faulty extractor fan which made a high-pitched squealing noise for the last four months we were there. Free tea and coffee.
Kalymnos: Some stony acres on a hill top with an old wall which looks like it may be used by goatherds. Views in all directions – you can see over to the sea on the West side of the island and as far South as Nisiros. No free tea and coffee.

At the end of the day, however, work is work and once we get over ourselves, we settle down to some hard brainstorming slog.

But will the 360-views and clement weather prove to be any more inspirational than the noisy Zen Garden and the dodgy Scottish climate? Stay tuned to find out.